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I suppose I haven't changed much 😆

Dec 11, 2023
I found an old blog from college still online. Didn't want to lose the words and thought how uncanny it is that people tell us we don't know who we are when we're in college, and yet...we do.
philosophy at 21...
am i religious? no.
do i have faith? yes.

there's a difference. i was almost born in church...fortunately my mom made it to the hospital in time. after that i spent a good deal of my childhood in church. i'm 21. i haven't been to church in a good 5 months. i'm okay with this though. i don't see the necessity in going to a place where i feel as though i'm surrounded by superficial hypocrites interested in the latest gossip, when i can feel close to God in my daily goings on. am i living a perfect "christian" life. not according to the bible. am i okay with this yes. i don't have any regrets thus far and my only regret would be to not be true to myself. it's late, i'm tired, i'll expound more later.

it's later...and i'm expoundging. i've felt somewhat unsatisfied lately and was wondering if it was because i wasn't living the "christian" lifestyle that i'd been taught to live. but then i thought back to the previous 20 years i was living it and what a miserable sheep i was. i felt brainwashed.
i've become more disillusioned with religion than i thought possible. i don't see how 12(+/-) major religions can fit 4 billion people. and what about those people who worry more about not being bombed and being able to find food than what to wear to church. where do they fit in. they're going straight to hell i'm sure. 🙄 
i've looked into even more religions...taoism and buddhism...and still haven't found what i'm looking for. i don't think it's out there...because if the answer to everything was out there, someone would have already found it. i guess that's what keeps life interesting. well...i'm sure all christians everywhere are shuddering at my blasphemous talk. i'd say all my "christian" friends are as well, but they're driving the bus. when all is said and done though, i think the answer is 42.

more to come when i don't have a flight to catch...
Another post I wanted to save from that old blog

things i've been called:


bitch, slut, whore, princess, queenie, mad, pumpkin, sexy, beautiful, mean, sour, intelligent, ditzy, fat, skinny, ugly, evil, lovely, terrible, snot, spoiled, bratty, lazy, industrious, studious, quiet, loud, outgoing, obnoxious, sullen, graceful, clumbsy, klutzy, flaky, supertease, cock tease, crazy, depressed, suicidal, friendly, perfect, different, teacher's pet, four eyes, cuatros ojos, smart, sickly, bulimic, anorexic, compulsive, helpful, giving, sharing, loving, tender, sweet, christian, musical, artistic, tonedeaf, geek, nerd, rhythmless, funny, stupid, dyslexic, quick, slow, fake, real....

so what am i?

guess i'm just a typical 21 year old without a clue as to where i'll end up. i'm having fun playing though and like everyone else, i don't think i'm typical. i prefer special. you can make your own judgment on that.


i'm in school to get a degree to make the big bucks to be in debt for the rest of my life so that i can have the best toys and the most monopoly money. it's a stupid game and i don't want to play. 


yet i live in america. play the game or get out. 


right now i'm living on $800 a month and have money left over each month. for the most part i support myself as my parents have less $$ to spend than i do. 


i have more toys and clothes than i want or need. i'm a spoiled brat and i want out of the game. yet i'm expected to be able to make 5 times that or i'm told i will never be happy. 


i'm told i have to have the newest, best, fastest, coolest. to be the thinnest, prettiest, wittiest, sexiest. 


i'm supposed to follow this creed or that, to do this and that, believe this and that to avoid hell so i can spend eternity in heaven with all the hypocrites i despise. 


i'm not supposed to talk about my feelings because no one wants to hear them, smile and be happy, don't bother others. 


but what are feelings? only the source of pain so why not shut them out entirely and only feel the joy of being alive. i envy my cat and horse. they chose to play their own game and are happy. 


i chose to play the american version of the game and am miserable. i will never be ---- enough to please everyone. 


so i live to please me and am acused of being a bitch and selfish. so be it. maybe one day someone will want to share my life with me, but not likely. 


i've found that most people become utterly annoyed after spending time with me. 


i don't play well with others yet i love having them around. i haven't spoken to two of my roommates in 3 weeks, yet it's still nice to have their bodies near me. 


loneliness is my only fear although i would have thought i'd be used to it by now. it gives me something to work on though. 


i haven't been able to make a relationship last for more than 3 months. the only person i ever loved that i dated decided he loved someone else. 


sorry i'm a little disillusioned with the fairy tale, but if i can be truly happy and content with myself and only myself i will consider myself successful. 


everyone i know has let me down in some way. i don't hold that against them. it's a human thing. we're not perfect and i've let many people down by not being who they want me to be. 


anywayz i guess being content with myself is destined to be my life's work. i haven't figured out anything else i want to spend my life working on. 


i have no desire for a career. only a job that pays enough to support a simple life. 


in two years i will have a piece of paper that says i can run restaurants. i used to think i wanted to own one but the more i think about it, the less i do. it would be the equivalent of a coffin for the living. the same as owning a house. 


i wouldn't be free to leave any time i wished. i'll have the money to have the toys but no time to enjoy them or my friends and family. 


the more i have, the less freedom i have. 


i haven't measured up to anyone's expectations for me thus far as what i've done hasn't been what they've wanted me to do. they don't need to be named. i know who they are. 


i don't intend to measure up to anyone's standards any time soon either. i think i'm awesome. and most of the time i believe that. 


generally i live in my own little world. my own reality. why should i get my head out of the clouds to please you? 


i'm happy in my world. everything is as i like it. i can go to hawaii if i choose or to jamaica. i can be a star or a nobody and be happy. 


most of my days are spent working at bucas with some of the most amusing coworkers i could ask for. the early part of my days are spent shovelling shit at the school barn. i enjoy that more than a lot of things i do each day. 


my own time is spent by myself in my little room where i'm happy. it's peaceful in here and my music and jezebel, books and computer keep me company. 


i have friends. too many it sometimes seems because i never have enough time to share with them. had i the world, i would give it to them. 


most of the time i just keep to myself though as i don't really think i can ever repay my friends for what they've given me. if i spend time by myself i owe no one. so i quit reality. game over.


my life is pretty damn good. i work part time..have enough to cover my bills if i don't buy stupid shit and i get to spend the rest of the time playing.


 i wake up around 1 each day...go to the barn around 2 to shovel shit for a couple hours and get paid to play with horsies...make it back in time to be at bucas. get paid to eat good food and talk with my friends there and play with customers. then i get home and either go get dinner or chill with dale or if i'm anti-social..i get to play with my turntables, kick-ass computer or read or watch a movie. all with jezebel to keep me company. yes. life is rough. i'm glad i have friends to point out that fact to me. ;o) kittygow00t! thanx guys.


i find the only thing i wish i had $$ for is to travel to see the people i miss. maybe for that reason i will play the game until i have enough money to buy an island and put all my favorite people on it. but people fly me out to see them or they fly or drive down all is good.

i'm just glad i have the drug on earth...what else can make you happy, sad, upbeat, mellow, contemplative, and energetic just from listening?? (and it's free ;o))

d.a.r.e. drugs are really expensive.


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